My family and close friends make think differently, but at least publicly I try to keep silent. I don't know for some reason it just doesn't seem worthwhile. To me it's not fake - it's just trying to be positive when things in life aren't- to put a positive spin on the situation so that somehow to will or think the situation in to being good.
That being said, I'm afraid that in the next few paragraphs I might come off sounding negative.
Today is the first day of what I am really hopping and planning on being my last semester of college- of school period- for a really long time. And today I am wondering how I've made it 7 semesters and 13 years before all that.
No unimportant details needed, but the weeks leading up to this big "first last day" have been confusing. Not stressful, just confusing. I feel like I don't have it all together. That for having done this (starting new classes) 7 times before I feel like it's the first time. The pond that is UT seems to have gotten bigger in 2011 and me, the fish that is supposed to keep growing with experience, seems to have shrunk. Leaving me to be a smaller fish in an ever-increasing big pond. Know the feeling?
Today I'm just trying to keep my head above the water... or my butt off the snow- both actually.
I know that by this time next week, Lord willing of course, this feeling will fade and I won't have to look at my cheat sheet of a schedule every five minutes to make sure I'm not missing a class ... but today I'm a mess. I've been checking all of my classes multiple times to make sure that I haven't missed any crucial information that would make my confusion known to my classmates.
I need comfort food- fat food really, a Chick-fil-a sandwich and ranch to be exact, I need to talk to my person, and a little bit of alone/ regrouping time would be good. I need to speak to someone face to face, not text or email, and I need perspective, which I'm hoping to gain through the previously mentioned necessities, a little less caffeine couldn't hurt either.
I feel a little silly making such a fuss about this day. To me, frustration isn't really deserving over a day like this. I know, based on past experiences, and God's word, that this feeling is fleeting. I know that this is just a day and that things to me are not as they appear before God. Testing and trials are brief, sometimes shorter than others, and I know with absolute assurance that He will encourage me and equip me with endurance.
"I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on" I love those lyrics from the song 'You never let go'.
In a condensed version I suppose it comes down to me doubting my inadequacies for the task that God has called me to, maybe just not on such a deep spiritual level. So I'll keep my chin up - and keep looking for the light at the end of the tunnel- which I might have in the form of the Walk tonight, or through other divine appointments, either way I know I'm not alone today... even when I might feel otherwise.
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